It's About My Mom (Part 1)

There's been another long gap in this "daily diary"  1) because I'm somewhat lazy,  2) because writing for me is difficult, but the biggest reason is because my sweet Mom passed on rather suddenly and quickly the end of October.  As you might imagine, I didn't feel much like writing;  I actually didn't feel much like doing anything except it sure has been easy to feel sad and cry.

Mom and her new friends

It has only been a few weeks but I feel the need to shake off sadness and sorrow.   If I know my Mom, she wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone for any reason, let alone have them suffer or be sad on her account.  Mom often would tell me during stays with her that she didn't want me to spend my "vacation" working or having to help her.  I'd have to remind her that the whole reason for my being there WAS to help her and that she was my Mom and that I should be allowed to help my own Mom.  I'd remind her that I wasn't on vacation as I had no job- that being there with her was now my "job" and with that she'd raise her eyebrows, say to me, "oh really?" and relent. 

So... during my stay in August, timed to coincide with Southern California's fig season, Mom and I did some jamm'n - fig jamming that is.  Her large fig tree has regularly produced a bounty of fruit every year, enough to fill the pantry with jars of  yummy brown-speckled pineapple-fig jam as well as several weeks of fresh figs to fig-lover friends and family.  But something was different during the 2009 fig season.  Mom didn't pick many figs and they ended up in the compost pile; she only made one small pot of jam which together we cooked and canned when I came in October.  It had gotten to be too much work picking the fruit, washing it, cutting it up and cooking, adding ingredients and stirring the sugary mass in her big kettle and then boiling the jars, filling them, sealing them... so this past summer, we worked together.  Samuel (her grandson, my nephew), would head over after school to help with the picking.   I'd wash them and Mom would sit at the table and cut up them up; I'd put enough for a double batch into the big kettle and add the rest of the ingredients, cook, stir then can.  We put up several dozen pints and a dozen or so half-pints. We'd do this while popping the freshest figs (the ones that were surely going to spoil otherwise) into our eager mouths which was an added perk of the job.

Puzzlemasters Grandma and Samuel

Another thing we worked on together were some puzzles.  This wasn't an easy thing to get Mom to do since putting together puzzles, to her, was sort of a waste of time.  I explained that it would be a good exercise for  thinking, and besides, while we were working on the puzzle together, we could talk and visit and that would be nice.  She agreed and together (with help from Sam, Paul and Janet), the puzzles were completed with lots of banter and chatter.  I think Mom really did enjoy the "waste of time."

Mom and I had our routines.  She would get up in the morning, make herself some tea and study her Bible lesson.  I would get up later and hurry out the door to my Jazzercise class calling out to her that I'd be back in 1 hour.  Almost always, when I came back, there would be a half of banana, cereal bowl with spoon beside it and a cup for coffee and a cup for juice sitting on the table for me.  Never mind that I rarely ate cereal anymore or even ate breakfast but it would be there for me regardless.  Mom never stopped being my Mom.

My beautiful Mom

Ah, my Mom.  I miss her so.  Today as I was driving down I-70 to Denver, I started to hit her number on speed dial.  I often would call her from my cell phone while driving - and yes, I use hands-free.  She'd ask me where I was this time and we'd talk for a few minutes or until I reached my destination.  She couldn't keep track of where I would be since it seems like the last several years I was always driving some long distance from home in Durango.   For that short moment, a blink, a second, my Mom was still there at the other end of the phone line... I even heard her voice...."Nadine, I was just thinking of you!" and she would let out a little laugh.  Then quickly, I realized that she wouldn't be there.  Not her voice, not her laugh ever again.  Then, later in the evening as I was driving back up to Evergreen, I did it again. I'm miffed at myself for erasing her last voice mail she left me.  It went something like, "Nadine, I'm calling because I would like to know if you will be home for supper.  Will you call me please?  This is your mother."  I'm just so mad that I erased it because right about now, it would be nice to hear her voice.

 ~ Blue eyes all around ~

Well, this is a difficult lesson for me, for anyone.  Never, ever take anything fore granted.  I just lived each day for that moment really, not thinking that I should really drink in and soak up each and every instant with my entire being.  No harsh words, no unkind or impatient words and absolutely make time for those you love and who love you.  I'm going to look you in your eyes so I can see every color in them.  I'm going to touch your hand and hug you tight.  If you need to talk about anything, I'll listen for however long you want... I'm going to do this for you, for anyone because I only did it for a too short time for her.  What I saw were the bluest, most beautiful eyes ever... they love me and I am ever grateful.

Next ~ It's About My Mom (Part 2)

Denver and First Place at the Fair

A quick trip to Denver over a month ago was filled with activity, fun, good food and a big miss.  I'm so sorry to have missed spending time with my grandson Styles (who is as cute as a button).  It just got too busy and with so much to do, well excuses, excuses.

Granma DeanDean & Evan

Lilly eyes her mac 'n cheese

It was a bit of a whirlwind trip which my friend Sharon is incredible at planning and then, having the plan actually work out. Nice! We had two days to make the most of seeing our grandchildren.  There were visits with Janelle and Evan, Bryant and Evan, Hanna and Lily and a nighty-night to Styles, noodles at TOTT (that's Talk of the Thai), swimming and up to Evergreen Lake for some splashing about in paddle boats with family.  Multiple trips to pit toilet restrooms drew interesting comments from Evan (who is 4), then a quick stop at the park in Golden and more promised swimming with just enough time on the meter for a planned dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. Yum!  Box up the cheesecake for later...back to Hanna and Lilly's and then hotel to pack up for an early start back to Durango. Whew!  It went quick.

Disco Scarecrow - recycled stuff

Winning isn't everything, but eating is!

Meantime...back at the Fair in Durango... my scarecrow entry was staring down the judges while Chimono, our rooster was pacing in his cage with attitude.  Not accustomed to being confined, he must have been frustrated by the close proximity of so many other roosters that he was unable to challenge properly.  All together, my Fair entries ended earned me a whopping $8.  $2 for first place entries and $1 for second.  The ribbons are great bookmarks too!  Next year I'm shooting for an even $10.

Of course it's really not about winning anything but just participating in a good, old-fashioned county fair with other like-minded folks...many who work hard all year to bring the fruits of their hard work to sell or show off.  The 4H kids and families have labored all year and the Fair is the place where they quantify their endeavors.

Evan, Sharon and Hanna

After the 8 hour trip back to Durango with Sharon and Lilly, who made the trip possible at all... I was just tuckered out... unpacked the car and was going to settle in when I noticed some new friends in the yard... two new chickens and a bunny!  That's what I get for asking my husband to pick up Chimono the rooster from the Fair.  So that was on a Sunday... and I needed to be leaving for an extended visit to Mom's in California in just two days!  Better get moving then... the plan is to do some canning - fig jam, garden relish and whatever else pops up as well as take Mom on some day trips...maybe to the beach.

Up next... the trip to Cali and back home to Durango.

Fun Times - on the river - in the garden...

There's a reason this blog is called "not so daily. " Nuff said there.

Maria & Clint went tubing too

Yesterday turned out to be a warm, sunny Monday what with all the monsoon weather dumping rain on the four corners region, it was a nice change.  The Animas river is running high for August which is good for river riders and the businesses that rely on them and after a last minute phone call to my friend Dana, we met for a tube ride down the river.  It's relaxing.  It's fun.  When the sun goes behind the clouds, it's chilly. My tube starting losing air but it lasted the hour and a half bobbing, bumpy ride to the take out.  Fun times!

Back home after a ten day house and pet-sitting stay usually requires an adjustment.  Victor (my husband) has a "different" concept of landscaping - preferring to employ  "useful tings" (as he puts it), as decorations.  It's always a joy to pull up to the house to see what new items have been added to the landscape.  Upon my return home this time, there was a child's bike (no front wheel), an adult bike (it actually rides very nicely), a construction work zone partially blocking the parking area and a 1964 new/old step van that he is smartening up for his dream-of-a-lifetime specialty meals on wheels, hot tamale wagon food-to-go business.  He is excited!  I'm glad that he is excited...really.  The painting business has taken an extended dive off a cliff and perhaps this will be the parachute.

Sunny morning

So... my current contribution to the household has been my garden.  At first I thought it was doomed.  Everything seemed to be sampling the new plants before they even had a chance to take root. It was hot - and dry.  I'd been fending off chickens sneaking into the growing ground to scratch.  I was beginning to think that my green thumb had turned black and then - the rains came.  Every afternoon, or evening; or throughout the night...what a joy!  Such a welcome respite!  Not only does the water bill adjust...but the garden...oh the garden grew. 

Sunflowers and hollyhocks

Now I have some very large squash to enter at the La Plata County Fair this week.  Now I have flowers surrounding and concealing my garden fence.  Now there is hope that there will be some canning activity and fresh vegetables for the table... and to share.  This garden gives me a sense of accomplishment while I have no gainful employment.  Sure, I'm finding ways to take care of my financial obligations, but it's a day to day sort of a thing.  My garden has become a strong focus and it's success holds my self-worth in it's curling tendrils of snap peas, rigorously growing cucumbers and  fragrantly abundant herbs.  Since I've been back home, I've spent some hours plucking weeds from the beds; thinning the chard and spinach; tying up the tomatoes and cukes and harvesting.

Tomorrow is the day I take my entries to the fair... and because I didn't know if I'd have any produce to show, I decided to take some of my husband's useful stuff (and some of mine too) and assemble an entry for the scarecrow contest.  Using whatever I could find, it has come together to form a rather unconventional figure that is certain to ward off undesirables.  If it doesn't, then it's sure to make people scratch their heads and wonder "wha...?"  (I'll post a picture when it's fully assembled).

Little alarm clocks

Finally, I just have to mention the new chicken additions.  These cute little cochin batams were not my idea especially since all four are roosters. But... they really are too cute with their feathered feet and small statures.  They roam unruffled as one when scratching around the property, obediently returning to their enclosure early each afternoon.  They are, of course, one of Victor's acquisitions given to him eagerly and without cost - but what does one do with four small black roosters?  Because they are young and used to one another, they aren't aggressive and they don't eat much...but they have this habit of repeated vocalizations each morning close to 5am.  One starts a gurgling crow...and they politely take turns for just about an hour and then a sudden but welcome quiet.  What to do?  You tell me.  Would anyone like an adorable living alarm clock? 

Next up... a trip to Denver to see family and friends.

Mixing Bowls

Last night I dreamed that I was trapped within a matrix of mixing bowls.  They weren't exactly real mixing bowls...just configured like they stack, one inside of the other.  Whatever this meant, I haven't yet figured through it and I don't know if I care enough to try.  Then... another night prior to dropping off, I was overwhelmed with feelings of anguish and uncertainty.  My toes were clenched, my fingers were in fists and I was completely wound up like a spring.  I know where this comes from.

Transition.  Change.  Making decisions that impact every aspect of my life.  This isn't something all that new. It happens to all of us at different times and in varying degrees.  The culprit?  Where do I begin?  or end and does it really matter? What does matter to me is that I unclench and relax... laugh; embracing each moment as if it is the perfect opportunity of a lifetime.  Let's just say that I can do that, then what?

I think what happens after that doesn't matter anymore... the thing that is most important is accepting and loving each little tidbit to be the best... no slipping into the darkness of fear's embrace or frustration's conspiratorial  grasp.  There's a dozen birds on the feeders outside the window.  The weather is calling for planting and there's not even a moment to waste on anything but pure unadulterated joy.  Get to it!

Unfinished Business...

HELP!
They have a name for people like me...laggard, dilly-dallier... slacker and worse.  I have so many projects wanting me to just finish them off.  Halfway constructed quilts - several of them - some partially sewn in my grandmother's own hand, several knitting endeavors, crocheted hats awaiting the matching scarfs, stuffed animal toys I had every intention of sewing together lovingly, aprons, tote bags, costumes for the grandbabes, not to mention the necessary  mending.

There is the box of CDs that I have plans for...perhaps turning them into bird and deer deterrents for gardens or could be that crazy idea for a fashionable evening gown; tiny bottles collected with labels removed for window ornaments; copper pipe, wire and cholla cacti wood for wind chime construction; rocks, shells, and my precious bone collection for what...?   I have railroad spikes to be welded into yard ornaments, photo albums sans photos, totes of fabric collected from closets, flea markets or waiting to be "repurposed", a box of my Dad's old ties to turn into something useful that can be used everyday, recipes of my great aunt's and mom's for compiling into a cool family cookbook and thousands of beads...maybe even a million!

I have old photos to scan and catalog so they won't be lost to future generations of Chaneys, Erskines, Beans, Jacksons, and Berrys, watercolor art to work on, piano music to practice and my Dad's microscopic handwriting from a 5 year diary in the 30's to transcribe into readable and legible type.  And don't forget the stuff I need to get to posting on Craig's List and FreeCycle, just to scale down a teensy bit...again.

The only thing I can figure is that I either have a serious case of ADD or... I too often make the choice to live in the moment, enjoying the flurry of activity at my Mother's backyard birdbath, or slamming down dominoes in a heated contest between old friends or even pulling weeds that will come back with a vengeance in a week or two.  I'll forgo even the easiest project to drag myself to Jazzercise class with Cheryl where we sweat like rockstars but walk out looking  like the Michelin tire men with yoga mats.  I figure that it must be that I choose things that move and breathe(barely, when it comes to exercise) over things that do not.  Craving aliveness, movement, breath, growth...and while I absolutely LOVE to be creative and see a project completed, it just seems to be about as important as the pile of dirty laundry I walk by and ignore...

So... my challenge is this:  to get some really great ideas from YOU on how to manage this mess.  I'd like to have your comments show up on my blog page so...please subscribe!  You can do this by clicking "follow" on the left of the page.

Turning...

This is so strange...but wonderful.  Not getting up in the morning anticipating working for someone; not having an agenda constantly running through my mind of prioritized activities and actions.  No meetings.  No managing people or time.  No paycheck.  No, I'm not retired.

I had to turn a corner 6 months ago and let my work at Habitat for Humanity move to another set of capable hands.  Even though it was often rewarding and fun, there were other responsibilities drawing me away into a different and necessary routine; the routine of no schedules, no co-workers, no supervisors or boards, committees or clients except one... my family.

 My immediate family is in several places: Son Bryant lives in Lakewood, Colorado which is really considered "Denver" with his partner Janelle and their son Evan Aaron.  Styles McKenzie, Bryant's youngest is a few miles away; my 'sister' Janine and 'brother' Jon with the redhead clan spread hither and yon in mostly the front range region of Colorado; my mother, brother and sister in San Bernardino, California; and my husband Victor and I reside in Durango, Colorado with various small barnyard type animals.

My Mom, who is maintaining her independence and continues to live on her own in the only house I grew up in, had some challenges that required assistance.  Nothing dire or life-threatening, but she has reached a point where she needed a hand to keep her head above daily tasks.  We all need that and I know that Mom appreciates the help although she may not fully realize the need.

Helping Mom is only part of the reason that I sought to make some changes but that is another not so daily  dairy post in the future.  For now, it appears that I'm headed in a better direction - happier, healthier and learning a thing or two about patience, listening and love.

Pooh to Valentine's Day ~ Yes to V-Day!

What is this ridiculous expense we go to for this day supposedly for romance and love...! Do you really think that special someone should buy that card or box of expensive (or not) chocolates or bouquet of roses from a pesticided Central American flower operation just because some guys named Valentine (maybe three of them) became Christian martyrs which had nothing to do with love at all; then the powers that were, decided to tie in a Saint to the current pagan celebration; which then, much later became a misinterpretation of a poem of Chaucer; that turned into the exploitation of feuding (or not) lovers to blissfully unite upon receipt of a special card or gift...(ok- so that's not an accurate assessment, but look it up - it's really pretty muddled and crazy).

The bottom line is...yes, it's nice for that special someone to remember you on this day...but what about all the rest of the year? Just one day to show that you care and with a box of chocolates that will just add to your waistline or worse? And yes, of course it's nice to know that you will wear red or pink or lavender with matching red hearts hanging from your ear lobes so you have that one nailed...but I can't help but rebel against the obnoxiousness of it all - reducing caring, commitment and love to candy hearts and dinner out?

Do I sound like a sour apple here? I'm really not. I just abhor the way consumerism has taken a hold of every special occasion and holiday and put a price tag on it... and an expectation that if one doesn't receive something, anything...they are not loved or cared for or worthy. Which brings me to an awesome cause to support on this day and everyday. Check out this link for a meaningful way to contribute.

Oh, and I secretly love getting flowers....shhhh.

Snow

Written a week ago... I never said it would be current! It's snowing in Evergreen... and Durango and most of Colorado today and yesterday and probably tomorrow. This has been an intense snowfall winter and I'm sorry to say that I have missed the good things about it by being mostly in California. Snowshoeing and cross-country skiing with friends, the SnowDown festival, the lovely peacefulness the winter snow brings to the highway we live close to, staying inside to sew and craft and writing are all fun snowy day activities.

Today I am in Evergreen where there is an accumulation of about 6"; not much compared to Durango's 80". I stay inside even though walking or driving is possible. I'm spending too much time on my computer these days; don't really understand why so much except that it's a way to avoid anything and everything I need to do.

I've been so fortunate to have spent some days with grand babies while I've been here. Evan is three and Styles will be a year old the end of February. They are beautiful boys - I hope their parents guide them carefully, helping them discover all they need to be happy in this crazy, chaotic world they'll be growing up in.

As for me...I'll be heading back to Durango in the morning to pull together income taxes, clean the chicken coop (and the house I'm sure), and maybe get in some time cross country skiing or snow shoeing with friends.

Home for a Day

I am home! Finally, after a three month stay in considerably warmer California with Mom I am home. Pulling up with trailer in tow on icy ground, I unhooked and prepared to unload the car contents. First though, I needed to check out the condition of the house. Let me just mention here that my husband Victor hasn't won any prizes for his housekeeping skills so my apprehension was I felt, justified.

I wasn't terribly surprised at the buildup of "stuff" on the front porch. There wasn't any place to put things since many feet of snow had covered everything but the path that Victor had kept clear to the rabbits and chickens. The shed was close to crumpling and access was limited by snow. The porch became storage for bundles of neatly folded feed bags which do come in handy so we store them and recycle them for various uses; it looked like he had an outdoor freezer going with many containers of milk for his cheese-making stacked on the benches; I could see that the recycling was piling up...

I opened the door slowly... The nights and days have been bitter cold in Hermosa, Colorado and mama bunnies with their babies really need better shelter than they have for this long of a cold snap (16 degrees below at lowest and currently it hovered around 30 degrees)...like to come inside since that is the only place they could have better shelter. So yes, that's where four mamas and twenty-four babies ended up, on the kitchen floor in their nesting/birthing/raising their young boxes, cute as can be, stinky butts and all (sigh).

So... home now smells like bunnies, no longer so cute, which hit me in the face like a slap from an abusive boyfriend... I look around and my heart just sinks... I decide right then and there, that I need to clean and organize before I bring in anything from the car, which I do. As my nose adjusts (only slightly) I notice that Victor's laundry is contained in the basket and most of the dishes are washed and I find just one coffee cup out of place by the computer. What deceived me is that every (yes - EVERY) horizontal surface was covered with alternating layers of paper, tools, fast food restaurant receipts and mentos candy wrappers and then... there are the rabbits on the kitchen floor... But, let me give him credit here, the bathroom was clean, the kitchen floor was clean, probably mopped that morning, the back bedroom/office was free! He had kept this space clear and clean our of consideration for me.

I know the horror of living with a man who somehow is able to ignore dirt and disorganization - he doesn't get caught up in the pettiness of perfection in his own home. Cleaning, when it comes to the interior of the house, is at the bottom of his "to do" list. I have often had meltdowns about this which are never an effective way to bring about change as neither are pleading, begging or crying. By now you are thinking that this must be grounds for divorce - and yes, yes it is, but the man has redeeming qualities I assure you. (I'll tell you about them another time - right now I'm venting).

So- I sucked it up, stayed put and when he anxiously stuck his head in the door upon returning from work, I had to laugh at his big hair and widened eyes. It really was awfully good to see him - and he apologized for the mess and the smell - he didn't like it either. Of course my anger and disgust melted clean away and we reunited like long lost lovers - well, kind of. I got out the scissors and gave him the haircut he had been begging for and then we held hands and cleaned!

I would end the fairytale here but for the title of this entry. I leave again in the morning for a week in Denver, delivering the trailer contents to Bryant, hugging grandchildren and yes, escaping the 4 and 24 bunnies and their oh-so-lovely stinky butts... and praying for warmer weather.

Packing Up

Well, today I started pulling all my stuff together to haul back to Durango...then on to Denver for delivery to my son Bryant. My Uncle Larry had quite a collection of electronic equipment for his DJ hobby and now Bryant is going to inherit a good deal of it.

Bryant has a family now, beautiful Janelle and cute-as-a-button growing toddler Evan, (is 3 years old considered a toddler?) and almost one year old Styles. Anyway... Bryant expressed interest in his Uncle's amps, speakers, keyboards and such to carry on his hobby of creating his own music. Bryant has a talent for words set to beat, otherwise known as um, er, rap... And it's pretty good too for a guy of the Caucasian persuasion. Eminem he's not as he chooses to omit most curse words and unseemly themes, focusing on social topics of interest to him. His work impresses me as does his ability to put words together spontaneously. He always could talk a good game.

Now the car and trailer are mostly packed, thanks to Cindi V who not only has loaned me her styl'n PT Cruiser, but also a trailer converted from a truck bed with packing work included. I'm telling you that girl knows how to get things done. Everything fit together like a puzzle piece under Cindi's calculated manipulations. Did I mention that the matching trailer does well drawing double takes when driving through the neighborhood? You have to be there.

So, even though it's comfortable and warm here in SoCal; even though I'll be leaving good friends and family members; in spite of leaving my Mom and the many more things that need doing in and around her house, I'll be extremely happy to be on the road back home. It's been just three months here in San Bernardino, California - during the best (and only) time to VISIT and now I am SO ready to don skis and shovel some snow in my favorite place to be, Durango.

It'll be a short stay though, long enough to give Victor the requested haircut, unload a few things and on to the next leg of the trip... Honey, get out the scissors ~ I'll be right there!

Remembering DeeDee

A very fine rooster he was.

My DeeDee is gone. This morning I called my husband for a semi-regular update on how things were going at home in Durango, Colorado. He let me run on about the mundane details of staying with my Mom, plans for coming home and what I'd be doing that day and when I finally eased up to take a breath, he stated softly, "I have some bad news."

"DeeDee is dead," he quietly said. "Another bobcat came. DeeDee died defending his hens. His fight gave them time to scatter. La Pau wouldn't stop carrying on..."

How can I explain my sadness at losing a chicken? I've talked about DeeDee with all my friends; how he responded to us humans and to me when I'd ask him if he wanted a tortilla; his trip to the fair and the comments he received: "He's big!" What a pretty rooster" "Did you know he's blind in one eye?" I think I've bored more than one or two friends with stories of our chickens; in particular, DeeDee's birth story of when my husband Victor, saved him by helping him peel away his shell when he struggled to come out of the very last egg to hatch; and how he taped his tiny feet with blue painter's tape to straighten them, fit him into a little sling so he could eat, and then...finally putting him into the bin with all the other chicks.

We watched over him to be sure he was ok...he tipped to one side and would trip precariously around the tub bumping into the others, falling, scrambling up with a flutter and doing it over and over again. We identified him as "the drunk driver" because of his stumbling around but he grew up, developed beautifully and ultimately became one of the group we called "the survivors." This would have been his 4th year as a free range and blissfully happy rooster.

Dare I go on about this fowl friend? I do, because even now I am overwhelmed with sadness. There is something about a creature so mundane...so unimportant...so absolutely replaceable, that made this particular creature irreplaceable. I wish I could explain what he did for me during a very difficult time. It was this rooster that I would share my spare moments with...Victor and I would stop all our busyness and just observe chicken behavior... he was kind to the hens and he was a good lookout, he shared what food he found with them, calling them over... he made us laugh and provided priceless entertainment... I just loved this silly, beautiful rooster more than a person should. Victor told me over and over..."he's a chicken," "you don't make pets of an animal that we're going to eat," and finally, "I guess we're going to have an old folks home for chickens here."

I never could have eaten DeeDee and Victor was right, we would have an old chicken farm if not for the copious amounts of snow that bring predators to our doorstep looking for a meal and prey on defenseless chickens. The bobcat is dead now - he was skinny and probably very hungry... this is when the bobcats have come in the past...losing chickens is not unusual, but this time and this chicken... it's different and sad.

La Pau, one of his hens is the last of the original survivors... she had been the best layer even now in the cold, frigid winter...now, we don't know. La Pau and DeeDee hatched and grew up together... she saw his blue taped feet, she followed him everywhere. How will this little hen carry on... they really were attached to each other.

Victor says we can get a new batch of hens and a rooster come spring...but you know, it's not the same...ever. You grow attached to something and that's it. You can't explain it...you just feel it and your heart breaks when it ends. Here where we live, we aren't allowed indoor pets - no cats, no dogs... but the chickens outside are ok... and they became more important to me than I would have believed... especially my DeeDee.

Persimmons, Avocados & Ripe Navels

Persimmons
A little known delicacy awaits you...

Perfect persimmons

The last of the holiday persimmons gleaned from the trees around town are in the dehydrator. Persimmons are a very sweet fruit and when they are dried, they taste like they've been dipped in sugar. There is such an abundance of fruit on trees that no one seems to care about...but,I don't have a problem knocking on doors to ask if they will be using their fruit, selling it or sharing it...with me! I haven't been turned away yet.

Avocados
There is a grove not far from my Mom's doorstep where the fruit is left to rot and fall on the ground...

About a month ago, my nephew Sam and I were hiking up to Fisher's Cave, an old horizontal well that we often hiked to as kids, when the new owner of the property we had to cross came upon us. He was amiable enough, told us we were actually on his land and that he had problems with people breaking his pipelines that irrigated his groves. He didn't order us off but I apologized and we turned around. The old trail had shifted anyway and there wasn't an easy way to get through the tangled growth full of poison oak and thirsty bees.

Awesome avocados

We had been perched on an rock outcrop when we heard his approach and I was nervous when I saw him with two large German Shepherds, one black the other white, and him wearing black gloves (for what, I wondered). I felt a bit anxious that he had followed us (we'd never been chased off before), and told my nephew to keep still... we were in full view of him if he had just thought to look up - which he only did when I called out an apprehensive "hello - up here" to him.

As we made our way back down we met up with him again and he told us how to find our way easily off his property via the avocado grove, but inviting us to take some fruit with us as we passed through. I had asked him if he harvested them and he told us it wasn't worth it to him. The cost of harvesting couldn't be recouped by selling them so they just fell on the ground and rotted.

I didn't think at the time to ask him if we could come back and harvest and sell them for him then... and later on, a client of my arborist brother offered all the avocados we'd like. Now, I am thinking to visit the man in the avocado grove to see if he would allow some local gleaners to save and share with others, a valuable resource to be made into awesome guacamole!

Ripe Navels
It's time to harvest the navels!

Juicy navels

I'm not talking bellybuttons here. Sweet, straight-off-the-tree navel oranges are ready to slurp down. My Mother's tree is not loaded this year like in years past, but there are still plenty to pick. If we run out, the Valencias are close behind, due to ripen in March and there's always the tangerine tree transplanted from my Grandmother's yard - 100 years old or more (the tree, not my grandmother who has gone on to greener groves).

Living in a cold climate where citrus can't grow (except inside), it is such a treat to once again, be able to harvest fruit in the backyard instead of from a market or even from the local growers. It's an amazing thing to grow, harvest and eat your own food... and a shame that we have moved so far from the regular practice of it. Now you hear about "buying local", and the return to planting more sustainably... what a concept. It's always been here...we just got lazy and now we are cycling back around out of need. It's about time!

January 12, 2010 - It is January

Amazingly warm wonderful weather in the northend of San Bernardino. Narcissus alert as fragrance can be potent. Navel oranges are ready for harvest and tangerines are following quickly in their sweetness. Avocados, kumquats, and many other citrus are ripe for the picking. Rain is forecast for tomorrow afternoon clearing tomorrow night. Highs in the 70's. A slight chance of a breeze possible to keep any smog particles out of the valley. It's January.

With such a lovely day what could be better than to start with a morning walk with a friend? For me, we stroll a different neighborhood and it's evolving landscape courtesy of the ever-expanding San Manuel Casinos. What is this? Walking, talking in warm air, having breakfast and chatting? This was unheard of a few months ago in my life. I cannot express the absolute joy of this morning... thank you Barbara R for a great start to this day.

I want to mention another very exciting part of my morning - the neighborhood birds decided to bathe in the small backyard tub I placed under the dripping faucet. It was fun! It was exciting! I was entranced by their show; their tiny feet gripping the edge of the tub, balancing on the edge like olympic divers and then executing a perfect dip forward to fling water over their fuzzy featherheads and under their wingpits. A flurry of fluttering wings and feathers, chirping and squawking, I'm telling you... I couldn't have imagined a more perfect morning!

I won't bore you with the rest of the day since I did manage to get some work in BUT, the opportunity arose to sample a delicious hybrid of fruit - a cross with a grapefruit and a tangelo... an absolute delight picked straight from the tree, sectioned and handed to me on a glass plate. I felt a bit of a queen it was so delicious! These small things that happen now... that didn't or couldn't before I made a break for it... these pieces all add up to happiness. This is what I need. This is what I seek. This is what I have found since allowing those moments the opportunity to be. Yay!

January 10, 2010 - Banning, CA

My Uncle Larry died recently - and those that could, met at his home today to help clear out his things. Since I don't have much time right now to write everything I'd like to both about the day and my uncle, let me just say that you come to realize some important things when you go through someone you cared for's things; photos, gadgets, notes that were left, music instruments, records...stuff, but most of all, I think it was the condition in which he lived... very much alone-which was quite evident.

My uncle was not an alone-type person. He like to be around people, making them laugh and playing his music for them. He enjoyed talking and sharing his views on life and telling funny stories. He appreciated his family connections and wanted to share them with his kin. In the last few years he had taken an interest in laminating copies of old family photos and giving them as gifts at Christmas and throughout the year.

My uncle was alone in his sadness, in his progressively poor health and in his increasingly strong opinions... which to his credit, were often tempered with humor. Who but Uncle Larry would take the time to put laminated notes on his IV pole stating "Jack Daniels" on one arm of the pole and "the strongest white lightening" on the other? Of course he had friends and family that loved him but they were scattered here and there and then he was retired from the United States Postal Service after three or more decades - a large network of friends there.

So, I'm slowly processing the day, my Uncle Larry, my Uncle Larry's dying and now, the removal of all his things...

To be continued...

January 7, 2010 - Perfect Weather Today

What a beautiful day in Southern California it has been - clear skies, sandals and shorts, calm skies...perfection. Durango, on the other hand is cold. I keep saying that I miss that cold (I do, I really do) but here I remain... at least for another day.

It's not the perfect weather that holds me here; it's Mom... and the need to regroup to find that balance; to soak in sounds and sun; to be a part of living and noticing and breathing and laughing and taking time to listen without feeling rushed. Space has given me freedom to think and create...well, sort of. That's still working it's way out through fingers, feet, hair follicles and such... Ok, the route's a bit twisted right now.

Today: time well spent taking a walk with my friend Cheryl who is leaving early tomorrow morning. Her courage is evident as is her sadness, but this step is her salvation and her joy will return...yes it will! I will miss her and pray for her safe travels. Joining Mom and Janet at the Senior Center for brain power class was, uh, educational and we played games! Who doesn't love to play games? And later, meeting up with my beautiful cousin Barbara for a "healthy" meal and catch up conversation. Not only has my adventurous 'cuz' inspired me to begin this blog, but also to get rid of the accumulating flubflab that I can no longer carry around like an outer tube. So... here it goes... 5 pounds lighter by Super Bowl Sunday. (Good thing no one reads this).

And then suddenly... gunshots! dogs barking and the helicopter is buzzing overhead. Just another night in the north end of San Bernardino... but the weather is still perfect.

January 6, 2010

That's why it's Not So Daily folks. I write in spurts. Actually, I do everything in spurts, and the stars must be aligned just right; and there can't be a crazy feeling overwhelming me or ANY melancholy or action will grind to a depressing halt.

Today was one of those days. Wake up, groan, shuffle slowly to the bathroom, avoid the mirror, shuffle back to bed, start up the computer and WAIT! it's not working! Panic sets in... call Zack (an absolute angel of a man who has the patience of Buddha) who calmly gives directions on the remedy. This guy is special... I mean - he fixes computers and in doing so, he makes the world right at that moment for many, many people. Thank you Zack - computer wizard and gentle soul... I'm hundreds of miles away, haven't spoken in several months and he is there to help and calm... calm...calm...

That's the start and it went down from there... and then up! I just love putting away Christmas stuff...especially the lights. So life is good as they like to say in Durango, only - I'm not in Durango so now what?

December 29, 2009 - Tick Tock

The constant hum of machinery is an attack on my sensibilities. I seemed to have developed a need for quiet sounds, natural noise like bird twitterings, wind howling through trees and rushing water – but right now there is the distracting hum and grind of the day laborers chipping brush several homes up the street or the constant wailing of sirens in this Californian 'burb as well as the blow of the heater unit in my mother’s house which is terminally on. Other times it’s just the ticking of clocks, but they are located in just about every room, reminding me that life is short and I'm unemployed and I better get busy...with each reliable tick, I am advancing toward lunacy!

December 15, 2009 - Slow Down

The Slow Down is measured not with waning quickness or lackluster tempo but with quiet observation even snatched between those desperately hasty movings where one believes there is meaning in their work... but yet, our "work" pulls from us our souls and the very joy of living... so how is it, that in the midst of turmoil one finds a solid piece of laughter that cannot be lifted away... or a way to see through the mist of the human inferno?

The Slow Down comes upon us with soft breath, deep breath, acute listening, savoring each flavorful aware moment... do not discuss; do not decide; do not initiate; do not do.

December 8, 2009

I watch the coffee klatch of cats that meet up every morning in my mother’s backyard - touching noses, exchanging gossip and drinking at the crock. They loll in the tall grass for a moment pretending disinterest in the variety of activities offered - aerobic workouts courtesy of grasshoppers, lizards and abundant bird life - the culinary joy of it, and even the strangeness of the humans who inhabit the big house. They come early, congregate and mingle and are off to the business of the day, which I am told, is sitting in front of windows, observing the rest of the world.

December 6, 2009

Staying with my mother is not all home-cooked meals and warm fuzzy reminiscing… unless you enjoy many repetitions of one's childhood memories and chewy burgers are delicious. Mom and I are finding our way through this with each other now… it has never been easy between us… not with constant mothering and my rebellious impatience that has only slightly mellowed.

One thing i really love about Mom is her stubborn independence... she gave that to me and now she is fiercely holding onto it. We do not have that perfect ease with one another but we both would like to... how to get there remains to be seen.

December 2, 2009

The night sky is not a mystery...it offers an intense beauty to us below who dream of a larger place then most of us fathom. so captured are we within this small space in our minds that we resist...and fight to keep things safe around us, denying what we must know to be...we are not alone...we never have been.

I have left my work to spend time with my Mom who forgets things. It has been several weeks that I have been gone from my home in Durango, Colorado. I miss being there. This is both a terrible and wonderful transition in that I am, by most standards unemployed, and wonderful... because I am unemployed. I have dropped out easily from that world of schedules and tightly wound people...but I miss the purpose and those that at least appear balanced. I was not balanced at all. Now, I spend more of that schedule looking around and taking breaths; observing and looking up at the stars, thinking, reading and listening to old friends... and taking in how incredibly fortunate I am to be able to just breathe for a time.