Cards and Letters

Here it is over a year since Mom has been gone and I'm finally going through boxes filled with "things".  We already did an immediate cleaning out of her clothes and very personal effects - the things that leave surviving children in tatters - sending them off in a container to Zimbabwe and Zambia.  People there don't mind if a button is missing on a blouse or the style is from 20 years ago.  Mom would have been happy to see her things benefiting others, after all, she volunteered with the Clothes Closet when we were attending Hillside elementary school.  Our family room often had stacked bags of lost and found or hand-me-down clothing that Mom would mend and wash to be sent on to new owners.  Mom taught us the value of reusing, recycling and even up-cycling.  Yes, it's all your fault Mom.  You turned me into a beady-eyed trash digger who's heart starts racing when I drive by a dumpster with cast offs from the end-of-the-school-year college kids.  That's a whole other topic to tell you about...more on that in another post.

Old cards from her grandmother

Back to the cards and letters detail... Mom saved her cards and letters.  All of them.  Actually, I can't quite tell yet, but it seems that early on, she was particular about what she kept and as time went on, she appears to have saved every single letter, postcard, Christmas and birthday card and everything in between.  Beginning with a smattering of birthday cards from a few close relatives when she was a child to correspondence from boyfriends gone off to college or war to the letters that were written between my parents when they were dating.  Each successive year she received more letters due to her own prolific writing of letters.  I've found lists of who she had written to and received Christmas cards from.  To Mom, it was a huge faux pas if you didn't send a Christmas card to the person that YOU received a card from.  She was careful not to exclude anyone in the family but in later years, the list grew smaller and names dropped off as family and friends passed on or someone would just stop responding.

So many stacks and there's many more!

Currently, I've gone through just three boxes of perhaps a dozen; two large enough to hold a toaster oven and the other the size of a boot box. Do you know how many cards and letters you can fit into a boot box?  A lot.  So I've been organizing them by sender.  I'm organizing them because, like my mother, I can't throw them away.   They will be returned to the sender (if possible) for them to enjoy.  I thought that it would be interesting for at least some of the senders to re-read what they had written.  To me, they're like a journal that was written where one can read back to remind them of what it was like on the date of that card or letter. I don't think that people think about the possibility of coming across their own letters later on.  I didn't think about what might happen to that letter I sent - wailing about my living situation; or the Mother's Day card with the sentiment that I KNOW I wrote to my Mom with tears in my eyes when I'd come to my senses about just how much work it was to raise kids.  It was a slap upside my head at that moment when I realized how much Mom had sacrificed for her children and her husband.

I also don't think that Mom intended to record misunderstandings and bad behavior at family gatherings, but she did!  Mom would get letters from both sides explaining their position and knowing her, she must have remained neutral, and kind in her responses.  These cards and letters also reveal some family history as well as who lived where and the longest and dearests friendships she held.  One very dear friend she stayed close to since her days in the WAVES takes the prize for the most cards and letters.... both Elizabeth Anne and my Grandmother (or Mama to Mom) maintained a monthly correspondence for as long as they lived.

I have a lot of reading and sorting to do don't I!

Lists

Stuff to do

I'm a list-maker.  I want to believe that if I write down things I won't forget about them...  Well, sometimes that works - sometimes not.  I make lists for a lot of things.  Books I want to read, movies I want to watch, cds or songs I just have to have.  I have a bucket list and a list of projects... and of course I have that ever-present To Do list. 

Making lists satisfies something for me.  It leads me to think that I'll actually DO  something about the things I've listed... and I do.  I make more lists!  I move undone items to a new slip of paper... I go out and buy list-making post-it notes with lines.  I create lists for the day and when I don't get everything accomplished, I move them to another list for the week - which often turns into a list that's calendared to get done sometime within a month and then that turns into just "sometime."

Well...some things are done at least

Within the lists I create, I number them...or sometimes I rank them for their level of importance with little stars.  I always end up cheating adding stars to things that I WANT to do and leaving the dull and awful tasks like doing my taxes with no stars and the going to lunch or hiking with a friend with multiple stars.  This often leads to a  'things that absolutely must get done today' list.

One of several bucket lists...

Occasionally I achieve a level of satisfaction when I can actually scratch an item off a list.  It's usually an easy thing like a reminder to call a friend about something or that I need to take out the trash.  The things that I list that take time and effort - ha!  Those are the things that get moved a lot... so when I actually complete (or mostly complete) a list I've made, I feel good.  Then I celebrate by ignoring all the things that I've listed that I have to do... which deflates that sense of accomplishment and sends me back to the top of the list.  Darn!

Some lists on my computer

So ~ I have a question for you... are you a list maker?  If you are, what do you make lists for?  What's the weirdest thing you've made a list for?  Are they effective?  What kind of advice do you have for me so that I can make progress on MY lists?  Finally... make a list and post in the comments here!
~ 3 of your favorite movies; 3 of your favorite books; 3 of your favorite foods; 3 of your favorite places to go; and 3 of your favorite things ever!

Chickens for the Soul

When everything closes in and you can't breathe; when getting out of bed feels like you're weighted down with wet clothes and each movement is in slow motion; when you have nothing to look forward to; laugh about...or nothing to love, it's time for... Chicken Zen!

Better than xanax

Instead of that unhealthy caffeinated drink, try Chicken Zen.  Chickens provide a pick-me-up in the morning starting with a rousing "rise and shine" crow from your rooster.  Then, throughout the day, you're presented with many light exercise opportunities including pen cleaning, poo pick up, checking for eggs, feeding, fence placement and maintenance and fight referee.  No more hiding under the covers for you!  If your cock-a-doodling rooster doesn't rouse you, the cackling hens will and when they both are vying for the same box to lay...well, the racket can raise the dead... or despondent, whichever you are.

Grass and chickens - good for the soul

Are you making too many trips to your therapist?  Popping too many Xanax or topping off your wine glass more often?  May I suggest an alternative?  Zen - Chicken Zen.  Grab your yoga mat and water bottle and set up on the grass surrounded by gently scratching hens.  Soothe your inner soul with their soft clucking and observe nature's teamwork as they discover a cache of insects under matted grass and leaves.  The kindness of the rooster as he discovers and shares tasty tidbits dissolves gender angst and his devotion to the ladies sets an example you men could take heed of.  After observing the utter bliss chickens attain when they bathe in a small dust divot, you may consider a bath for yourself and although you may not receive as many benefits as the chickens do, at least you don't have to wait for anything to dry like at those expensive spa baths.

See - dinosaur-like feet

When observing these creatures you notice that they hold an uncanny resemblance to those awesome creatures from Jurassic times - dinosaurs.  Yes, their feet and everything else look just like a velociraptor - if you squint your eyes out of focus for a minute that is.  But you'll see that they are a bit smarter since I have seen chickens playing those little pianos at fairs.  Witnessing the result of evolution up close and personal is an extra educational benefit you won''t soon forget.

Heart string tuggers at work

Chicken Zen offers young ones...small, fluffy peeping offspring of the egg (or was it the chicken - I don't know), anyway - they truly appeal to everyone and if you are fortunate to raise them from chickhood, you will overcome attachment disorders instantaneously after nurturing a few of these darlings.

Finally, Chicken Zen will lighten your worries with laughter when you observe their excitement when supplying ordinary kitchen scraps to them.  Their hasty lumbering dash across the yard will bring a smile to your face as they remind one of a clown - only smaller and with feathers.  Chickens offer constant amusement that one understands only after immersing oneself in the experience of chickens.

For these reasons and others I have not  mentioned, I highly recommend Chicken Zen for YOUR soul...forget the chicken soup, it only helps a cold, but the whole chicken, living and breathing has many more benefits - Chicken Zen - I guarantee it!

Calm and happy...

All ages benefit

Chicken Zen happiness *

 Pictures are not of actual participants in this program.  Models have been used to protect the privacy of those that are really screwed up and need help.  Chicken Zen is an alternative treatment and last resort and is not recommended for those with eating disorders since everything and its mother wants to kill and eat chickens.

  *These chickens are some of  the happiest chickens on earth and have been retired from public scrutiny.  They are truly free to run and scratch.

Please Keep Raining

Will it keep raining?  I want it to.  I like the dark sky; clouds hanging low on the foothills; brisk air hitting face; cadence of water drumming earth.  The mist shrouds me in a secret sadness, keeping me safe from the consternation of  your knock at the door.  Wake up - get up!  I'm ordered by a voice inside my head (not mine) but my heart takes one coffee break after another, pleading for just five more minutes and then...then what?

Will it keep raining?  I need it to. The ground opens it's arms and takes in each drop, sharing with others until it can't do it anymore and like me, it bursts forth in a rage of unintended destruction which needed a place to go...this is nothing new or old. It simply is at times...and then it isn't.  It makes no sense and then it does.  It has to be this way and then it can't be this way...or never really was in the first place.

So... I need it to keep raining so I can stay inside and be the way one isn't supposed to be.  I only want to come out to size things up and pull a few weeds from the saturated soil.  I can be satisfied with this because today I love everything about the rain.

Beautiful Durango

The La Plata Mountains, Southwest Colorado

I've been looking at the majestic La Plata mountains from the deck of my house-stay position for the past several weeks.  I'm here in Durango, Colorado 6512 feet in elevation with over 300 sunny days a year, more than Orlando, Florida or Hollywood, California!  My charges have been two lovable doggies, Crash and Ebby and Clyde the Killing Cat.  Their "Mom and Dad" (Karen and Todd) went on a trip to Panama for two weeks, leaving the biting cold behind for us ~ in the past few days the temperature dropped  below zero, but that's mild compared to the rest of the country caught in this latest storm.

Crash & Ebby

Everyday the boys and I would take two walks, one in the morning, one in the afternoon or evening...and on occasion, a night time walk with blinking collars.  The walks gave me a lot of time to think about the many changes taking place in my life... and to be grateful for them.  Challenges never leave us where they found us and I'm finding that I am acquiring confidence and clarity to move forward - whatever may come.

Will, Maria, Clint & Kari at Snowdown

 

Me & Maria

So.... the big Snowdown celebration came and went through downtown Durango.  Snowdown is a  wacky, crazy themed party that's carries on for a  week with more than 80 contests and events including follies, costume contests, a fashion show, night parade, underwater poker tournament and too many more to mention.  You can check it out if you like here ~ http://www.snowdown.org/  

Sam holding Franklin's quilt

Mom (Grandma), Maresa & Sam

I thought I might have had time to plow through my costume boxes for a Snowdown cosutme... no such luck, but I did take a moment to recall how Mom could create functional and fun attire for any occasion.  She was a great creator of home-made costumes and encouraged creativity during Halloween and other events involving unusual garb.  Mom made all my dance costumes as well as dresses, skirts, tops, and even a bathing suit or two.  Fortunately for me, she had the patience to pass some of her sewing skills on to me starting with darning socks (a defunct need) and mending jeans.  Most of my sewing has been for others like the foofie apron Mom is wearing or the baby quilt for my great-nephew Franklin... it is something I love to do to this day so thank you Mom! 

woodpecker outside the window

It's time to get some rest for the early morning departure to California tomorrow.  First thing I'll need to pick up  several more chickens and some home-made tamales of Victor's.  The extra forty minutes it will take will be worth it!  It's different here in this rural community where a longer commute to the store or work or the cafe is standard, but living on the outskirts has it's advantages...  You can actually listen and hear nothing but birds singing, the drip-drip of snow melting or an icicle shattering as it hits a rock; the air moving through trees with an occasional squirrel chattering.  It's absolute bliss and I'll miss that almost as much as dear friends.  So long for now Durango... I'll hold you all close in my heart!

It's About My Mom (part 2)

 The holidays have come and gone.  Mom's memorial services too.  I find that  it's hard for me to write about her...to think too hard about the recent past. I simply need to turn away from the ache in my heart and fill it with as much gratitude as I possibly can; filled with the many memories of my childhood and how my mom supported me and my siblings 

My Mom was quite pretty.  She must have known that she was attractive, but I never saw her act vain really.  In fact, one day just a few months ago, she had just been washing her face and after looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, she exclaimed to me "I just want a new face!"  That comment alarmed me.  I had never heard her say anything quite like it before.  Now that she had reached a certain maturity, she felt frustrated by age I suppose and how she thought it made her look.

Jean Troise, Jojo's mom

My dear friend Jojo's sweet mother, Jean, who is 90 years young, always complimented Mom.  They would see each other at the AARP ballroom dances on Saturday mornings and Jean would say that Mom was constantly out on the floor dancing with all the guys, that she looked so beautiful and was popular (well, so is Jean!).  When she heard that Mom had passed on, she cried; and cried again at the next dance knowing that she wouldn't see her at the dances again. 

My sister Janet and me

My sister Janet often went with Mom to the dances and while she wasn't much for dancing, she did enjoy seeing Mom doing something she loved and she made sure that Mom made it to as many of them as possible.  I must give credit to granddaughter Rebekah who asked her grandmother during her visit last November, what it was that she enjoyed doing.  Her grandmother told her about the dances that she used to attend before she was married, and Bekah passed that on to us and we started looking for someplace that she could engage in this activity.  Thanks to Bekah, her grandmother was again doing something she loved to do, but wouldn't have done if not for us "guiding" her in that direction.  The last dance that she attended, she went on her own, dressed in the cutest gauzy skirt and matching blouse, fall colors and pretty little coral earrings.  I actually helped her with her make up that day and she went confidently out the door.  Little did either of us know, that would be her last dance.  She often returned and would tell us about how much she danced, that she never sat down and that even Janet got up and danced once.  It was an activity that brought her much joy... so thank you Bekah for discovering your grandma's hidden desire and to Janet that prompted her to get up and go dance!

Bekah's breakfast with her Grandma

I miss my Mom.  I thought about calling her again today.  It's what I did since I moved to Colorado fourteen years ago. Sometimes I would go for several weeks without talking to her and she would tell my sister Janet or brother Paul, that "Nadine must be too busy."  I think back on this and other times when I didn't really act like I appreciated my Mom.  We bumped heads over small things...or rather, I dug my front legs in like a stubborn burro at the least little uninvited words of advice.  At 35 years old, I didn't want my Mom asking me if I'd brushed my teeth yet; at 40 I didn't want her pointing out that my hair was "stringing down into my eyes"... or calling my friends looking for me.  What I didn't understand was that my Mom was a mother to her core. She gave up her dreams and aspirations to be the best mother she could be.  At one time, she was on her way to an art education ~ and then later, thought about a career in fashion art.  I thought that Mom must have been disappointed that she never fullfilled those dreams, but she wasn't.  Her dream changed to one of family.  Mom became fully committed to raising her children and lovingly supporting her husband with no looking back.

Mom... in her soft voice asking "what would I do without my family" was strong in her love for God and her family...to the end of her life here on earth

Next... more on Mom, but more light hearted!